Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's what feels like my millionth doctor's appointment.

My body, which I am normally unaware of, has been the focus of my attention for the last three months. I have gone from a size 6 to a 0 since Christmas. I found lumps in my groin area and had surgery to remove and biopsy one in my armpit - benign. I have had a pap smear, lung x-rays, blood tests, surgery, more blood tests and am still losing weight. I have been tested for Lupus, AIDS, cancer, anemia, and have Epstein Barr. I have been told I look anorexic, been told I look great, been told I need to eat, been told to quit smoking. I need a CT scan of my intestines and pelvis. And I don't really care.

All I can think about is my dad. For every time I've had blood drawn, he's been punctured ten times. For all of the fear I have of doctors and hospitals, his is ten times worse. While what I am going through is scary and uncertain, I have no pain. It's been less than two years since my grandmother's death of the same kind of cancer. I can't stand the thought of my dad going through the agony and pain of it.

So, I will go back to the doctor and try to care about finding out what is wrong with me. Hope that it's stress or menopause or my eating habits. But it just doesn't seem to matter anymore.